Let's Not Kid Ourselves...

Spit it, I'm Huey P and Louie V at the eulogy throwin molotovs for Emmitt

2010-02-08T08:58:11Z

Haven't done this in a while. Let's dive in.

Life has torn me away from the people I've loved the most. And it continues to try. It has succeeded in the past, but those of us still with us has swam against the current. We are, in fact, defying death because we are a propeller fighting against the hand of hell. And today, with our modern heroes, we attempt to understand and react, calmly. Let us remain calm.

So, what happened again? I'm 21, and you're telling me I'm about to graduate from college? WTF? My future is as hidden as a dangerous lovers secret intention, and it scares me to death. Seemingly at every phase of my life, I encounter a small amount of time where I'm very scared of what the future holds, and how vulnerable I've become. Thing is, I'm not sure if I've hit that moment yet...

I think the hardest thing is that time is burying my past. I'm gaining little entry to the life I lived 6 years ago. All of my doors are closing. I am growing old.

Bruce Weber led the Fighting Illini to the NCAA championship. Dee Brown led Illinois to a courageous battle after a remarkable year for any college basketball team, only to fall short to UNC. 2005. Bruce Weber watched all he had worked for, his head in stone of immortality, and he cradled it in his arms and watched die. Like a mother in mourning, he held it close, kept it warm, and his arms grew as rigid as the body.

Later in that same year, a massive hurricane of biblical proportions launched waves and wind and thunder and rain into the coasts and the hidden parts of New Orleans. It was drowning. Bodies floated to the top as FOX News shouted "THIEVES" at the starving and dieing and poor and forgotten robbing bread from the grocery stores. In August, the twilight of summer, a city was wiped out and pulled out of their boots. Since then, they've learned to swim, and they're doing just fine.

Those of us faced with such situations find a way to flourish, to heal, to recover. And go back to war. Let us pray we can only be as brave.

I can see things more clearly, that's why they fear me

2009-10-25T07:57:03Z

I feel like I'm back at my roots...

To be honest with my livejournal, and all of my internet readers (2 people?) I really feel like I'm making strives with my life. It helps that, for once in my life (and please God don't jinx me) everything seems to be going as planned. I think that I'm finally starting to mature. I really, REALLY like school and don't want to graduate in June. I watch people around me getting blind drunk every weekend, not knowing if or when they'll graduate, and it makes me realize that, yes, I'm taking school seriously. If I could be a career student, I would.

I love the English department here at Western. I wish I had gotten more involved with it, to be honest. I wish I took advantages of my advantages. I wish I had tried harder to improve as a writer, but feel like I've tried harder at critical thinking and analyzing. This quarter I've felt my mind expand, literally, with more wrinkles being added to it.

My favorite thing about all of my English classes is that they focus on not answering critical questions, but understanding the question. I've learned that often times you won't find a good answer. I think that once you just focus on why things are happening and whats going on, then it all starts to tie into each other. This quarter I'm reading Plato, Aristotle, Descartes, Hegel, Locke... all of these great minds I'm getting an actual grasp on what's going on. And it really helps to have such a great professor and to meet with other students to articulate the material.

Everything with me and Amber right now are spectacular. We have big plans and nothing will phase us.

I don't know what it is, but I feel the way I used to, back in high school, when I had NO idea what I was in store for. I think it's a kind of optimism. And I definitely feel like I've made mistakes between then and now, but I can fix them. I know I'm better than the worst thing I've done in that time. I just wish I took more advantage of my opportunities.

There's just something really, REALLY special about being told everything you've ever valued will be gone, only to fight back to retain everything. To be told you can live again. And that these ideas that have been floating around in your head may soon be more than just ideas. I still have NO idea what I want to do with my life, but I think I may have some aces up my sleeves.

I think I've finally proved to myself that I can handle the things I was once too afraid to. I understand it's okay to ask questions that a lot of people already know the answer to. I think I'm really happy with whatever it is that's happening.

Some dreams stay dreams, some dreams come true

2009-06-30T09:38:32Z

In the end, do we all really get what we deserve?

I don't believe everything happens for a reason. In fact I know that it does not. This is not a pessimistic view, but a realist view. I don't believe I have a guardian angel looking out for me, and I think it selfish to believe that God is looking out for me just because I am one of his sons. I refuse to believe that God looks out for me, his child, while neglecting 20% of his others. That would make Mike Tyson a better father.

I don't believe we all get what we deserve. Some people get too much. Some people are too selfish, put themselves ahead of loved ones, and don't consider the feelings of the people they care about. Maybe it's because some people love themselves more than the people they claim to be in love with. Maybe it's because they're looking out for their own self-interest, not to say there's anything wrong with that necessarily.

On the other hand, though, some people don't get enough. Some people fight courageously, forever failing to escape their bad luck and shitty situation. We must all play the hand we are dealt with, and the strongest ones amongst of us don't complain about it. They toughen up and do it because they can see the promised land on the Horizon. Too many have departed, knees in the dirt, refusing to let dingy hospital rooms claim them. I only pray to be as brave as my silenced heroes.

Some people want to see the world in all it's splendor. They want to go deep into the amazon and dance with un-contacted human tribes. They want to see Ireland wake up in it's green fields. They want to see London on her knees. They want to see the GOOD. Don't worry about the Ghettos of Copenhagen and dried up wells of Namibia. We all want to die knowing that the world we lived on is eternally good. Without reading the Heart of Darkness, it's easy to die that way, happily ever after in our ignorance, waiting to see paradise in her Pearly Gates. To the victor goes the spoils, I guess.

I'm just a 20 year old kid secluded in the Pacific Northwest. I don't know shit about the world. That's fine. But I do know what I'm doing with my life and what I want out of it. I know EXACTLY what I'm fighting for and I sincerely believe that I can be a positive influence on the world. The task of man today is to maintain and improve on the information and intellectualism we have. We must transfer our knowledge, with slight improvements to our children. To do this, we must unite as a whole. We have to get on the same page and become a well oiled machine. The biggest threat to intelligent life, according to scientists, are Asteroids. I tend to think it's foreign affairs and technology. The former is an act of God, the latter an act of man. I suggest we do everything in our power to address and improve upon that situation. The only way for us to that, collectively, is make a difference in our neighborhoods and communities. Those communities will transcend across states and nations, democratic republics and churches. And hopefully we can make a difference, collectively.

Or else we can just scratch ourselves and watch I Love New York. Neglecting our loved ones, and in a roundabout way ourselves. Whatever. Fuck God.

A wheelbarrow full of dynamite through your covenant

2009-04-30T08:37:38Z

I think a ghost just whispered in my ear that nothing happens for a reason but everything will still be okay.

I trust this ghost. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I know so. I filled a cup with it and drank it and it gave me the nutrients I needed to help keep climbing.

One world, one people

2009-01-26T00:03:29Z

Dear Friends,

It's been a while since I've written in this on-line diary called livejournal. I'm afraid of losing touch with the people that helped define who I am. To be honest, I'm just trying to avoid all of the things that scare me because it's too hard to deal with. It makes day to day life easier... forgetting the things that could end up being the death of you. Unfortunately it might end up blitzkrieging me on some idle Tuesday. God forbid.

I need to learn to be more unapologetic. That's one thing I really need to do. One should never have shame with oneself. One should never forget the value of saying sorry, face to face, and meaning it. What it boils down to is sincerity, and that's the most important thing a person can have.

Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with what's going on. Some of it is that fact that the past ten years has gone by so fast that nobody has even noticed. Some of it is the fact that school is dwindling down faster and faster, and I don't know what to do about it. I do not want to graduate, float off into the big cities or the outskirts without purpose. I lack direction, meaning, purpose, and ideas.

Sooner or later, I'll get it right, I hope. I just hope I can have my friends to lean on when I need them. And I wish that the best parts of life didn't have to end. What's there to live for when you've already peaked in happiness? I just wish things could be different, that they could be right, and that I could have it all my way.

Cheers to indirect livejournal entries. Have fun wading through my open ended statements and don't worry. We're never really alone in our pain, our joy, or our regrets. It's all been done before. We're all in this together.

Hi

2008-08-04T09:31:58Z

It's me.

The Untouchables

2008-06-27T09:39:44Z

The windows are blacked out by the arson of night as the windows separate ambition and, well, lack thereof
The room is shielded by a faint, nerve-reducing veil that reads to the world like a book full of feel good stories
And leaking from the back door is a trail of naive desire leading its way more than a thousand miles eastward
He left a note saying thieves and burglars broke in and demanded he hand over everything he's got, and he told them that there was one thing they could never take from him
Nobody could
Not any terminal illness,
Not a fancy Jesus pamphlet,
Not the playboy mansion
So, they boarded a boat and directed it over the dusty midnight trail and rode the waves of the highway
Sometimes being aimed towards the vanished farm roads tucked away by the the highway overpasses sculpting the western world

He wanted to go somewhere
Somewhere where rules would always bend and books would never lose their scent
Where memories never fade and when you die, a spaceship comes to pick you up and fly you off to a land where we all voted on our dreams and the best one gets re-enacted, everyday
A town where women get paid to keep their clothes on (except in the summer) and the parks never close, not even at night when pedophiles and thieves break into our backyards
In this town, those people don't exist, and even so, we're untouchable

On their way, they slept in public restrooms and set up tents on library rooftops, cooking their food over book burnings of books promoting slavery, sexism, and Hollywood Biographies
They hung themselves on the walls like bar-flies and wall-flowers, kissing the night goodbye with their disguise
Perched atop the night with illuminating skeletons
They traveled the routes they read in stars laid out for them deep in the sky
Often running into ghost towns and novelty cities, never running out of them
Like this one place, which is known for its christmas lights, so on Christmas Eve they circled the blocks with their headlights out, absorbing the power of the holiday spirit

The next morning, they burned a hole through the ground, straight to New Orleans
Where, when the world is finally sucked free of its peace and order, you'd find them in the alleyways, hidden, with Men who play the Saxophone
Notes extending through the air as if it knows nothing more than to grasp onto survivors
Like children
Painting the cities rainbows and anchoring the dented, once muted voice-box mastering the phonetics of the English, Spanish, and French languages
Hung upside down like a vampire bat

These men, they go fishing for children and strip them of their teeth, using them as keys on their instruments
They press them smoothly with their fingertips as if the final words of the children where forever echoing around them, like the physics of a sea-shell
These words, they would be painted onto the passing air and as they reached the final barrier of true innocence, they would disappear before anyone would notice
This world of cynics to too proud to admit how wrong they really are
And these children, they get released into the city without a background or so much as a name
Their gums flapping in the wind as they often frequent spelling bees, poetry slams, and chess tournaments
They vote anonymously
They know the difference between eager and anxious, honest and spiteful
They tight-walk power lines until the breeze kidnaps them, swallows them whole, witnessed only by the rafters and dark side of streetlights, ignoring the silent departure
The only thing left behind the scene, a pair of tennis shoes hanging on the power lines

And all the while, the alleyways use their brevity to spray the city with music
Not truth
Not change
Not morals
But Music, born in the gut of a man and spoken through the stolen breath of a child
And when the nuclear world spirals itself into an upheaval of an explosion, the only matching crescendo will be floating around, with the Untouchables
In the alleyways
Coat and hat,
Black and white,
Bare-knuckled,
With nothing at all to hide

I'm askin did I keep it gangsta or keep it classy

2008-03-30T09:15:38Z

I'm so happy right now.

I don't know if life has been better.

After questioning whether or not I could stay in this relationship, wondering if it would work out, wondering if it's worth it for both of us, I found out in the end the value we hold for each other.

It's the sideways 8 of infinity.

Alright, maybe not that much, but it's more than I ever imagined.

Growth can only come after struggling with what you have, and that's exactly what happened. And just the fact that tonight, I can lay in bed and get lost in my thoughts of what my future holds for me, how we can get through these next few months and take in the sunshine of the summer, makes everything in the world worthwhile.

I'm so comfortable with this girl right now it blows my mind. I've never been happier.

And during this spring break, I've been 10x busier than I planned, but fuck, it was 10x better than I thought. To be honest, I thought the deck was stacked against me and Amber, but at this moment I don't think I've ever been happier and more comfortable with the situation I'm in.

I feel like some things in my life are becoming clear- I feel like I can finally find some direction. Not just with this relationship, but my overall life. I really like my potential right now.

I can tell you right now without hesitation that I'm happy with my life. And that's the most important thing in the world.

I am what every American boy wants to be

2007-12-21T11:52:17Z

I miss Bellingham. The only reason I enjoy coming home is so I can see Amber... other than that I have no desire to be home really. Meh.

I really like going to school in Bellingham, although I still don't know what I'm going to major in or anything like that. I figured that I'm not going to worry about what type of job I'd want to do. I don't think I'll ever be able to think up a dream job, so whatever. I was actually going to look at the schools website for major/minors, but it isn't working and it's slightly irritating.

I'm having a cluster of thoughts.

I hate how religion is the most relevent topic in politic(ian)s. I can't go a day without hearing how this guy is mormon and this guy is catholic and this guy is muslim... it's just become a form of separation versus a form of unification. I just hate how to run for president, you have to have such a deep faith in God. And you have to be rich. It's funny how they say "OH, anyone can be president!" but if you look at it, it's not true. So many presidents are related throughout history, and if Clinton wins the presidency, it means that a Bush or Clinton will have been in office since 1988. And if she has an 8 year term, it would be 28 years of 2 families in power. Sounds like fascism to me. President has waaaay too much power anyway. The american political system is becoming a joke and is in desperate need of reform. It's become everything our 'founding fathers' designed it NOT to be.

I also hate how people don't understand that alcohol is a drug, and it is a more detrimental one than to some drugs that are illegal. I just think it's really funny how it's so socially acceptable whereas it's destroyed soooo many lives and families. Nicotine too. I just hate how people drink and say that drugs are bad, because their logic is so twisted it's ridiculous. Alcohol is a very dangerous thing, it's just socially acceptable. I kind of hate the irony.

Does anybody realize that we are living on stolen land?
Does anybody care about inner-city schools and the disparity level between races?
Are you aware of how special this opportunity to live is and how lucky you are? And yes, we have it easier than about 95% of EVERYBODY ELSE on earth, and yet it's so easy to find something to complain about. I don't care how hard you have it, we are in luxury. Just look at the clean water and insulation we take for granted.

I guess I'm just tired of society. I actually find myself feeling bad for Brittney Spears... she's nothing more than a caged animal, something you'd expect to find at a zoo. We treat her like an animal... she's gone completely insane, and it's the publics fault. Her life is ruined because so many people have nothing better to do than obsess over her life and casually watch it on VH1. It's kind of pathetic, how obsessed we are with celebrities. It's actually extremely pathetic.

Whenever I turn on the TV, I can't help but notice all of the people lying and stealing. I saw this advertisement for a weight-loss pill, and it blames your problems on work and stress and claims that you should be ashamed about your extra weight. So it targets problems that everyone can relate to and just goes on to make you feel shittier about yourself. People will do anything to each other to get some extra cash in their pockets. It's the most exploitive form of high school of all time. I hate how we all have to become of this society that does nothing but invoke shame on all of our deepest insecurities and sacrifices our most fundamentally moral nerve for an easy way out, a quick buck. We're all gonna end up being sell-outs, generally speaking.

All I'm going to worry about is my girl and my work. I know how desperately I want not to be a slave to all of this, but to a degree it's inevitable. But hey, we can all be martyrs if we want to. I just want to do something that helps instead of hinders this just crusade I plan on boarding.

I already want to go back to school and start classes... I'm just tired of living at home already. I love Bellingham. The only good thing is, like I said, I can see Amber, which makes it worth it. It's hard to go through such long stretches away, and it's nice to see her more often than every weekend or whatever. She makes me happy.

I get to start being a kick-ass uncle next week. I'm sending my nephew a christmas card and I'll be seeing me niece next week. I'm excited. I'm going to teach them both how to snort cocaine and sneak water bottles of white wine to school. Just because I'm fly like that.

My thoughts are clustered right now and I just need some rest I think. I was actually really excited to look at all of my options for what I can major/minor in. But since the website is down I can't look at an updated catalog. I just think having a little direction goes a long way, and I actually really like learning. Not so I can memorize facts and show them off to my friends or because I want to validate myself with knowledge or live up to some kind of potential. People miss out that we seek out knowledge so it can one day translate out to wisdom. Facts are useless and middle eastern politics only go as far as your voicebox floats through airwaves. I just want to have a well-versed view of the world that I don't do around showing off. I like reading. I like realizing there's no such thing as truth and facts, just interpretations and opinions. The only important things in this world are outspoken opinions and interpretations of things we deem important. The news we watch is just opinion, it's just as biased as any other foreign news source. For all we know, America could be awful. That's what half the world thinks anyways, maybe they have a point. If facts were what mattered, then we'd all have Ph.D's. Anyone can go to college and get an A. It's not hard. The hard thing is understanding the world we're living in and what the hell is going on around us.

Last night was the first of many where I thought about praying

2007-10-23T12:28:42Z

I guess I should lay out some thoughts right now. I haven't been writing lately and I should get back up and running with that. I guess with time moving by at the rate it is, I'm gonna miss some important details when I'm searching through these pages in 40 years looking for my roots of wisdom and personal history. Things are important right now.

I have a girlfriend and her name is Amber. She spends all of her money on me and lets me watch football, so I guess she's okay. She'll also hold me real tight when I need her to and fight off bad dreams when I sleep. This weekend we got a blockbuster account together, so I guess things are gettin kinda serious. I don't open up Blockbuster accounts very often, I tell ya what.

I'm currently a brand new uncle to a little girl, Raigan Jane. That name has definitely grown on me. I plan on teaching her cuss words when I see her and making her watch Jurassic Park when she's old enough to understand movies.

Right now I decided it'd be a good idea to pull an all-nighter because I only have one class today at 8 am. So I'd normally be getting up in 1.5 hours. And all I keep thinking about is what I want for the rest of my life and I can't comprehend the future because I have no idea how things will be in even 3 years.

Global Warming sucks. Religious wars are stupid. I like the taste of Root Beer. I think it's time to go.

She's brave, like Jews, levitating in the attic turning into ghosts

2007-09-27T04:08:24Z

All of a sudden, things seem to have gotten a lot more complicated. It's not in the way things are generally handled, it's just what's happening right now. Thank god I'm not living at home right now, because if I were, I'd probably explode. I'm really excited about what's going on in my life, the thing is, nobody else is. I almost feel like there's this natural divide in my family and it's never totally going to go away, and I've been twisted into an unnatural position. I feel like everybody is really selfish, in general. We're only out for ourselves, and if we give a shit about somebody else, we should realize how lucky that is. But there's a lot of shit going on in my family, and I'm excited for the people it's happening too.... the problem is I'm the only one. People hold grudges too tightly and tend to often be way too over-dramatic. I don't like seeing people I care about going through tough times, and the thing is, if you really do care about a person, you'd support them no matter what, and learn to live with it. Nothings ever going to be perfect, and if that's what you're holding out for, you're going to be very disappointed, and you probably already are.

As for things that are happening directly to me, I'm very happy. I feel like it's going to be a very long year, but for the best of reasons. Classes just started, which is fine... I'm going to try to get everything I can out of my classes and be a little more organized. I'm seeing a lot of old faces from last year, which is pretty sweet. This year at school feels like a more matured, aged version of last year. I'm seeing a lot of old friends, and it's like nothings changed, which is sweet. I think this year is going to be dope.

Also, I'm experiencing something I never have before, and I feel like it's so solid right now. So perfect. Even though I'm scared out of my mind about some things, I'm so happy. Sometimes, when there's things you can't control, I think the best thing you can do is put it to the back of your mind and let yourself laugh, and when the stars droop low to the land, you can think about the things you can't control and how they control you, become familiar with fate, and let it go and hope it doesn't find it's way back to you. When we control so little, it makes things so hard. I feel like I'm growing up all over again, and it's a feeling I think I should get used to. I feel like every new stage in life is going to be based on the idea of growing up and learning the world around you that looks so unfamiliar.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm happy.
And I'm okay.
And while I wish for more, it will never come.
But this, we can make this happen. I'm so comfortable right now it's shaking my nerves.

The spine, a bit thicker on the second go around

2007-09-04T08:59:52Z

The world will never be as promising as it once was. Things are easier when you have someone in your life that allows you to dream, not in fear and lust of money, but in a context wider than the sky with arms wide open to greet whatever it was that made your heart beat. A true romantic. If there's anything I miss, it's that. Life was a lot more fun when I was encouraged to be excited about my future, to smile and mean it, and to be told that I could do anything, and drop a couple cliches my generation has dragged through the mud. At least the spirit never dies, no matter what.

My mind is in knots and my heart is in size 9 shoes looking for anti-anti-gravity medicine and I haven't had much time to soak up the morning free of alarm clocks and disapproving sun-rays. I haven't had 20 minutes to just sit and truly relax, which gets harder to do everyday. Methodically I need to mend some cracks and paint over some scuffs.

And yea, there's this girl. And there's nothing I want more right now than to spend a couple more nights with her. Other than the impossible, at least.

I'm moving forward with things a lot faster than I want, and it's impossible to stop. It's impossible to NOT take things for granted. It's impossible to reverse what time inevitably does. All I can do is accept it, and with blind faith, hope that everything miraculously works out in the end. I can't explain a lot of things, but I can make them better.

I've got a name to live up to and some lips to bend upwards. But most of all, I've got no right to make an excuse.

She said, come on come on, let's just get this over with

2007-08-15T09:35:52Z

spark

I think my expectations have been unrealistically high for a lot of things, and I've learned that this summer. It's with a lot of little things- romance, knowledge, my future, time, everything. I guess I always envisioned a blackout and returning a new man to the world. It doesn't work like that. Everything is either an escalation or a crumble, and the rate of which is usually not what we want. I spend a lot of time not wanting to escape being a kid, and 3 years ago I was 16 and it wasn't that long ago. 3 years ago from now, I'll be 22.

Yes, 3 years is a long time. But it goes by in a flash. I put my life on it.

This summer I set up small targets and I've knocked them all out. I've followed through on everything, and it's a good change. I'm the kind of guy that likes to say I'll do something 5 days from now and feel great about it. But as those 5 days get closer and closer, I get more hesitant and make up an excuse. Sometimes it's best to be thrown into the fire. It's why we still have those animal instincts.

I don't want to say I've lowered my expectations in general. I realized that a lot of what I've envisioned just isn't fair, and I've accepted it. It's not like I'm cheapening myself, I just like to consider myself a realist that looks at everything from an objective point of view. My dreams are still the same and as vivid as ever, contradictions still in tact. I've also learned that trying to plan out my future right now is the worst thing I could do. Sometimes it's smart to think about your future, but having a plan ruins everything. Fuck that. All I'm gonna worry about is right now.

I'm ready to go back to school. Summers gone by pretty fast, but I'm ready to go back, get kind of a fresh start, enjoy college life again. Not live at home anymore. I know I've got to take better care of myself at school, so I'm going to be unhealthy for the rest of the summer and eat shit and get back on track in October. I'm not saying I'm going to get in shape or do anything like that, just take better care of myself. Eat fruit. meh. I'm excited for the fall, but I really don't want this to end...

The Runaway

2007-08-01T07:36:43Z

Summer wears me down like rubber on the road
The sun burns my retinas because it wants to prove to me that true love really is blind
So as my memory sheds its sugar-coated cocoon, I want to remember before I forget
I want to remember how we huddled up underneath the sky and talked about idle feelings as if they were football plays
I want to remember dressing up the trees and naming them after us. Throwing our secrets on the branches and pretending they were irrelevant
But deep down, we knew
Like a double-cargo unicycle train, barreling down a single rail alone in nothing more than the backlight of the blazing inferno leaking from the sky, alone, and brave
Brave like Tiananmen Square, toe to toe with the tanks
Brave like Che
Brave like Jews levitating in the attic and turning into ghosts
Brave like a revolution on it's last legs exploding into balls of fire hoping to catch on to the whites of the eyes of the children watching from the wombs of their mothers and from the aerial view of the getaway chopper
Brave like her
It's tough when you wish your father was an alcoholic just so you can have an excuse for the question "Why?"
So you can understand why the dinner plates have become nothing more than sharp, jagged sheets of patterned glass
Understand why her mothers eyes have become black; not the bags beneath them or the skin holding them in place, but the actual, literal EYES, like an 8-ball
Understand why there are scars at the small of his fathers back and on the backside of the neck
Obviously something's missing here, and I'm not just talking about the vacant back

Often on the Fourth of July the spine comes riding back disguised in a flock of Ravens, and reads the morse code left behind in the fireworks
It reads "get out while you still can"
It reads bible verses applied to atheists
It reads "bring reinforcements"
Like 8 legged stallions whose lungs work in water and iron-hearted warriors who hide smoking muskets under their chest cavity, with violins stretched across their faces disguising battle scars and softly playing war songs from death marches with each breath
Or maybe even one-eyed Indians who, because of evolution, no longer cry, and they can still see far more than we can in our dreams
The fireworks, they say to bring one scarlet letter, take it to the copier, and multiply it
Because this shit is hereditary
Like my fathers diabetes
And my everybodies alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, bi-polar disorder, homicidal thoughts, and heart failure due to it being too big for the normal chest to function
We got a lotta love in my family - go ask the cemetery, read about it in the Mausoleum. They know
Bring a tattoo gun to splatter the color of skin over the bruises and draw smile lines on burnt out cheeks
Or some eye-liner to suppress orbital socket dye-jobs from fists and the butt-end of flashlights

Maybe, hopefully, some day things will work out
Whether it's in the movies, in dreams, whatever
Maybe we'll be able to appreciate the art of appreciation
Our manners are as second-nature as language itself
And when it can be read on the wet, shiny cheeks of our children then we have a problem
She believes Gods ears are on the insides of her cheeks, so she whispers the things she's afraid to think
Like I need to be rescued
I need to be saved
I need to be healed

This is to a girl who got into my head with all these pretty things she did

2007-07-26T09:00:43Z

I'm about half-way through the summer, and I don't know what to make of it.

I feel like it's been a success, but it that is so, then I don't know if I like success. I've learned valuable lessons but I'm not satisfied. I want more. I want a mulligan.

I feel like life is really, really short, and it's designed that way. Like, it's made up of different phases, marked with tests, and as we pass through each phase, we learn our mistakes and have to apply them to the next one. Trouble is, we're so fixated on regrets and grudges that we can rarely do this. I don't have the time I thought I did. Fuck. I'm 19, and I remember being 9 so well. That's 10 years. Already gone like it's no big deal. And there's no humbler fact that the earth is some 4.5 billion years old. Like the average life span of 78 amounts to anything. We're smaller than we could possibly imagine.

I think my biggest 'let-down' in life is that I always thought that I had light-years ahead of me, and that I would almost transform into a new person, into an adult. I always felt like there was an answer and as soon as you grew up, it would be told to you. I had no idea everybody wings it. And it scares me. I grew up taking comfort in the fact that when I grew up, I'd suddenly gain the knowledge and security I needed to be the ultimate cliche of having a job, a family, a green lawn, the works. I thought that by the time I turned 25 I'd know everything. Now I don't think I'll know half of what I [thought I'd] need to know at age 23. No matter what, when you have to settle down and get a job, you're going to regret your youth, right now. You'll regret not taking advantage of it because we don't know what we have right now. We are blind to the value until it's taken away from us. I don't think anybody is able to appreciate what their parents have done until they're old enough to realize how hard it is to raise a kid. We aren't allowed to dream for much longer. And I think a lot of people put a lot of value into that. Nobody is going to get amped about being an accountant or a janitor. Life is one big illusion- freedom, dreams, the maximum happiness possible. It's like a really, really good scam. We see these people on TV like Hugh Hefner or Bill Gates and we're like, damn, look at that. But everybody else is either dying in the projects or pretending to be something they're not in the suburbs. I've seen far too many people pretending with each other because they're so afraid they won't be like for who they are, and too afraid of ending up alone. We're all so damn scared we're ready to committ social suicide just because we don't want to be alone, or ridiculed. What every society considers is aesthetically pleasing is what we shot for, and what bothers me is that these standards are set by the crown and those insane evangelicals. They control the country. They've controlled everything for hundreds of years. Power is a funny thing.

On another topic, I think I have the best understanding on racism now than ever before. Gang problems, oppression that still goes on today, abuse of power, everything. I'm almost embarrassed because of the things that go on in this country where it was designed for freedom, but a cancer has spread and I don't even know why. Multiculturalism has failed in America so far, and it's disturbing. Society has failed and there's proof in the ghettos. That is 100% fault of society and government, and the blind eye is getting blinder.

Back to the summer, now.

Like I said, I feel like my summer has been a success so far. To what extent, I don't know. Even though I am warped with a lot of contradictions and double entendres. I've been both the king and the peasant and I'm a little upset. But, then again, I'm really good at over-thinking and inaccurate analyzations and what-not. At least now I'm making big bucks at a dead-end job. At 19. I've been drafted into the pursuit of the american dream. I'm just hoping for something unorthodox to happen.

I'm also hoping for another chance.

Not to mention a revolutionary to take this generation under his wings.

Tonight's the night we light the sky on fire

2007-07-06T09:43:27Z

I'm back at home, and things are looking up I guess. The summer has rolled around which means it's gotten time to make the usual promises to myself and see what happens- throw 'em against the wall and see what sticks. And I did. And it's worked so far. Maybe not according to plan, but things seem to be panning out so far. It's been a compilation of small battles, some won and some lost, but I'm faring pretty damn well so far. All I gotta do now is keep the tires spinning and roll with it. You know that eternal search for happiness we're all on? Yea, sometimes it seems like an eternal quest to reduce suffering, but we deal with it. Anyways, I'm making strides and I'm not sweating the small stuff... I guess you could say that I'm finally not worried about my biggest fears right now. I think I've lost a tint of seriousness, which is a good thing. I'm not a believer in predestination and I don't think everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that things should work out for me because, deep down, I won't let it go down any other way.

I've taken a stroll down memory lane. In this neighborhood I grew up in, we've kind of had a little reunion or 2, and we've talked about the good ol' days, when I was a child. It was a weird realization to know I'm not a kid anymore... I have responsibility, soon to have my job back, go to college, I'm not a 'kid' anymore. It's been a smooth transfer that I've never looked into the eye. I've never said to myself "I'm not a kid anymore". It's weird... weird like building a lego tower and not realized that progress you make. Until it's done. I think that's how life is gonna be. We're gonna be 35 and have jobs and shit and not come to the conscious realization that yea, this isn't that much fun anymore.

Everyone's looking for a way out.

But anyways, I miss my childhood. I had fun. It wasn't textbook or perfect or normal (if there is one, anyways), but I wouldn't change it. It was real (if there is one anymore). I was lucky with living on a block with a lot of fuckin kids around my age and having a lot of stories to look back on and laugh at. And, we have new neighbors with like, 4 kids, which is kinda fun. Annoying, but it's pretty cool to have little kids around. It's a different atmosphere in a way, now.

Looks like I'll be at Jack in the Box again pretty soon. I should get my drug test results back then probably get my new food handlers card and by next week I'm hoping I'll be back at it. Giving away free food like Dr. J slam dunks.

I feel like life is just a cycle within a cycle within a cycle, and we're all walking cliches. No thoughts are original and it's all been done before. We're just copies of a copy of a copy. And it doesn't bother me.

I'm actually kinda excited to go to school again this fall. I'm already sick of being home. And it's gonna be hot this summer, and I don't like that. I just like the fall the best, and everything about it. The aura of the fall makes me feel the most comfortable. There's something about October that I love.

Tree branches hide the faces of our fallen heroes as we look to up to them

2007-06-07T07:49:26Z

School year is coming to an end, and yea, I'm almost done with my first year of college. I know. It's been a lot of fun, but I'm still ready to come home and just take a break from everything for a few months and remember that I don't have to grow up just yet. Even though I still gotta make money. I don't know why, but I've dreamt about going back to Jack in the Box in the last two nights. Scary, I know. While I am ready for this year to end, I don't want it to. Part of me feels like I just got here, while another part of me feels like October was years ago, so it's been a strange year. I'm going to miss it. Things are going to be very different next year, for better and for worse. I'm actually really excited for it. I think I'll get a lot of things done and it'll be a lot more laid back... like I'll have some privacy, maybe? Yea, that'll be sweet.

If anything, I feel like I look at things in a lot of different ways and I've realized things I never really thought of before. A lot of people try real hard to act smarter than they really are, and a lot of people are so focused on themselves. It's hard to find somebody that listens to you and doesn't make your stories about themselves. But that's just the world we live in: it's a very democratic way of socializing. I understand, it's just a shame the way the world works.

Every day memories fade a little bit more and it gets harder to realize that the world will keep on spinning. I've thought a lot about religion, too. I don't feel like any kind of religion we have here is close to accurate, but the idea of an incomprehensible greater being has to exist... I don't feel like our minds are designed to understand everything, nor should we strain to do so. With all the thinking I do, I feel like people need to realized that things are a lot simpler than they think, and you can't find God in everything you see and can't understand. Sometimes things just don't have an answer and I wish we could accept that. It doesn't get us anywhere. And the fact that, when we keep pitting God against God, it'll get us nowhere, even if one of us is right, so what. Doesn't get us very far, now does it?

There's a lot of things swimming around in my mind... it's just hard to capture them and focus on them. It's like I'm fishing for shootings stars, and not doing a very good job. But I'm feeling a lot better about things, I'm very comfortable with the natural course of events. When there's a lot of things in the world that just make you smile, you're doin alright.

A review of turbulent change:

2007-05-17T07:46:39Z

If you carefully look back at the last 233 days of my life (8 months) during one of the biggest changes your typical young man can go through, you'll see marks of emphasis, sacred tests, ritualistic behavior, and above all, realization. Realization that destiny is not in your corner, realization that it's hard to simplify who you are, realization that when we add up the good, the difference is hard to make out. I feel like, through all of the drama and rifts in relationships I am emerging as better for it, that these spiritual scars will remind me of who I am in the most extreme of uncertainty. I've learned a lot. I've made new friends. I've dreamed more. I've dedicated myself to my ghosts, who've taught me endless lessons and gave me that boost. Trust me when I say I'll never forget it. It's funny to hear people talk a big game and not back it up. Myself included. All of our flaws need a scapegoat, and the should start and end with ourselves. There's blame in the air we breath. We're all the same. Behind the fashion and the hair, the oneliners and made-up stories lie the same exact fears, inhibitions, insecurities, issues, and desires. We just go about addressing them in different ways. One thing everyone needs to take note of, though, is that everyday is one day less, death awaits us with every passing moon, and everyone is special, even if we don't have someone to remind us of it. So as the night wears on, tasks remain daunting, and we accept shakey truths, I'll say one more thing: All I'm going to worry about is right here, right now.

I kept the city company and it gave me my spirit back

2007-05-06T12:14:37Z

So tonight may have been the most surreal nights I've had here. A lot happened. I fell in love with conversation for the umpteenth time, got away from the law, felt like the star of a sitcom, and found something that I feel like has been missing for a little while.

Okay, so here's the story. It's cinco de mayo, so we go to this party where there's a million people, a bunch of alcohol and a bunch of music. You can barely move, and it's hard to hear people talk. We hang out there for a little while, and before you know it the cops come. So here we are, in this house surrounded by cops, basically trapped. All of the 21 year old people leave (because they can) so only minors are left in the house. Eventually they get a warrant and come in. They lay down the law and enforce their rules (however counterproductive and inconsistent they may be) and get order. Turns out everyone get's MIP's, except for me. I hadn't drank tonight and got out pretty easily. It just sucks, because my friends got MIPs for not doing shit. They blew a very miniscule amount on the breathilizer (.005, .008, etc). But it was a good moment- hangin out in the house, trapped, waiting for a savior. Reminds me of Dawn of the Dead when they're trapped on that mall. Or a school lock-out. Best part was when Jacob's friend Sean said "Yes sir" to a dyke cop.

The problem I have is that no one they gavea MIPs to were really drunk. They just go around these residential areas trying to bust college students doing what they do, and they're not going to change it. They spend 2 hours here testing 30+ people when right down the street there's a huge party with boozers hanging onto the sides of the street. Hell, we even met a guy that threw a half-full beer at a passing car and he stole shoes from a random house. Yea, I understand that these kids broke the law, but there's more important things going on. The streets aren't safe, and the house on the block isn't the reason for that. I don't want to go on a tirade because I won't know when to stop, I just think to screw over kids not doing anything wrong or anything that can be remedied is a pointless and waste of a potentially efficient and significant resource. There's a lot wrong with the word. We've got a war on drugs but not poverty. This world needs to get it's priorities straight fast, because I don't see things getting better.

I love solid conversation. That's been the whole night for me, and it's so nice just to talk for hours on end. I feel like people have a burning desire for acceptance and try so hard to blend into the scene and fit in by doing things they don't want to. All of our intentions are the same, we're just afraid of letting them be known because it'll just end up in ridicule. I just enjoy listening to the tone of how people talk, how they act, try to alter who they are because they want to be liked. I swear to god, I can see the 9 year old in everyone- we are really the same person we were as children. I listen to other people's conversations- we assume roles and it's all so adult. It's just that children do it first. We're all so political.

I hate raging liberals. I also hate how people attatch themselves to a political label and feel obligated to follow that label. It becomes an issue of not thinking for yourself, and it bothers me. So does ignorance. I hate arguing with people that refuse to accept someone else's points as vaild. Hyperbole is my pet peeve. If you want to have a serious argument, don't say something like 'America blows up a school and hospital in Iraq everyday!' or 'Millions of jobs are being lost each day due to outsourcing!'. Quit making your parents argument and make your own. I wish I wasn't liberal, because most hardcore liberals are douchebags trying to be cool.

I have so much going on right now. I don't even know what to make of my family situation right now. Big shit is about to go down, and while I'm very excited, it has bad consequences. I also hate feeling bad. There's enough shit to feel bad about in my life to want to jump off a cliff. But I feel like everyone could say that. Life isn't fair. I mean, we could all think about the negative shit going on in our life, and it could eat away at us, seriously. We could all see how fake, ignorant, plastic, pathetic, compromising, selfish, and just flat out assholes we are and we'd fall apart. We could think about the injustices in the world: civil wars, AIDS in africa, racism, sexism, children's hospitals, people with serious mental problems... there's just a ton of shit that shouldn't be, and if we didn't have that natural defense mechanism to block it, we'd fall apart. Every one of us. We may put up the best front in the world, but deep down we know the truths, and you have to live with those truths. I hope you can lay in bed at night, take an honest look at yourself, and fall asleep with a clean conscience. That, to me, is the definition of a good person. And I know we've all failed ourselves one time or another, but it's all apart of life. We fail sometimes, and with that failure comes a chance to learn, and that's how we grow. I think it's good to experiment with different things. The only way to know who you are is to test yourself in the best possible way, and the best possible way is to put yourself in an awkward, uncomfortable, and/or unfamiliar position and see what the fuck happens. And as we move along with these risks and failures, we finally get to know ourselves.

Oh God, it's 5:10 and it's Sunday morning. It's getting light out, and I won't get up tomorrow till like, 1 or 2 and I'll miss brunch, so I'll have to go out to get lunch, and then I won't get back till like, 4 or 5, then I won't be hungry for dinner in the dining halls so I'll have to spend more money and time on that, and then I still have to write a fuckin 5 page paper and soak in the privacy of an empty room. I could honostly run a fucking marathon right now, I am not tired.

But the thing is, I'm happy with it. Very happy.

I'm sitting here, bleeding gasoline and breathing in smoke

2007-04-19T03:57:40Z

I don't have much to say, but the thing is I haven't said much lately. School is going well, I'm enjoying it, and I don't have anything bad to say. There are times where I feel like shooting people, but it's no biggie. Most of the people I've bonded with this year are people I have a lot of respect for and I'm glad for that. I don't think I'll have too many regrets.

I'm just wishing I had a bit of income coming my way. I'm sure when I come back home I'll find a job, but until then I'll just get by on what I got, and I'll be fine. Oh, another thing, The Penetrators have emerged victorious from our softball game, which was actually a lot of fun. It's nice to embrace the fresh air. I did pretty well, got a hit and made some good plays in the field. We had to use the mercy rule, but I'm sure we'll get blown out one game sooner or later. Apparently there's an all senior team. Blah. It's also NHL playoff season, which has always been one of my favorite times of the year, just with the weather and how I remember this time of year being in the past.

Here's a few things I've been burning on but aren't really relevant to today. I don't like change and it's because the only change I've seen is negative and I'm reluctant to accept it. But, change is necesary for growth, and it'll save you. So embrace it. Another thing is, people are fucked up. When I hear of people complaining on an obscure, say, Tuesday night that they want to get not sober, I sob for them. When you habitually abandon reality you forget what life is really about. Yes, it's good to expand your mind in that manner, but when it becomes an escape then it's a problem. Saul Williams is a genius.

Things seem like they're back on track, and I like that. I think I've gotten happier than I was a few months back. Things seem to be on beat with the drummer right now.

We trade in party hats for sad, sorrowed faces asking why it had to turn out this way

2007-03-29T08:42:43Z

As I've come back home, I've been cleaning out cabinets, shoe-boxes full of high-school memories, bookshelves, closet spaces, and a conscience. I've done a lot of reminiscing, mostly on the night I got back, but it's stuck with me. I've done a lot of thinking about growing up, about high school, about the past. I thought about senior year, and on one hand I do have regrets, but I accomplished exactly what I set out to do. I wanted to set up my own little legacy, an impression everlasting, where I can go back and say, 2006, that was a good time. And it was. It was a success, with all things considered. I made a lot of memories- the prom massacre, AP Gov, all the lunch time escapades, old western, skippin class, figuring out the art of conversation, sometimes running class, the days surrounding graduation, all of it. When I mash that all up into a big ball, I draw the parrallel I tried so hard to engrave, and that is in 10 years, I'll look back at 2006 and say, "Damn, that was a good time", just like I do to 1996. There's a lot of reasons, too. I couldn't be happier with how it turned out. Do I have regrets? Hell yea I do, and I feel like if anyone says they have no regrets, they're lying. I feel like I left my mark, I have more memories than I can keep track of, and, in retrospect, I had a lot of fun. Mission accomplished.

I'm really looking forward to spring quarter. Well, spring mostly. I'm not going to go on a campaign of desired changes, I just want to say I'm going to enjoy it, however I can. I'm not gonna worry anymore; I've realized that things generally work themselves out, so chill out. If you live in the past, you live in regrets, and if you live in the future you live in fear. That's at least one point of view. My grades improved from my first quarter of school, which I'm very glad considering how I didn't go to a few classes, a lot.

I'm in the process of figuring things out, and I'm glad. I almost don't want to figure things out. Wondering is a good thing, and questions are more important than answers. I always thought that if you look at a question or concern from all of the possible angles, you'll make more progress rather than being handed an answer and then making sense of it.

For my birthday, I want somebody to give me a time machine so I can go back in time and get back what god took away from me.

I have nothing more to lose than what I've lost before

2007-03-19T06:31:42Z

Tonight may have been one of the nicest nights I've had here. The most sincere, soothing, relaxing night amidst the storm. Everything looks like it will work out, and I couldn't be happier with how the night turned out. Just walking outside, sensing spring in the taste of the air, it's the best thing I've felt in months. I got my shit taken care of, an honest days work, and I'm ready for the next few days, the next few weeks, the next few months. The taste of spring is leaving me asking for more. In this last week, I've really found out what being in college is all about, playing with the hand your dealt, and making the most out of it. This has really been a terrific week.

Another thing I've learned is that, you cannot lose what you never had, and all the while the important things can slip your grasp without you realizing how important they really are. Count of me taking that to heart. I'm so comfortable in my own skin right now, and I couldn't be happier. You can't really appreciate a high without wondering the depths of the gutter.

A recollected thought is more than 5 syllables

2007-02-26T06:43:42Z

T-minus 48 hours,

and counting.

She has a strange way of soaking into the corner of my eye

2007-02-22T05:54:23Z

I'm feeling at peace right now, and that should be the bottom line, whether it be good or bad. I look at everything right now and consider myself a very lucky person for reasons too obvious to be stated. Some taken for granted, some not so much, but I'm way luckier than I should be. I just don't like after-school specials trying to get this point across. I've made promises to myself, and now's the time to keep them. There's a lot of funny shit goin on, a lot of time killing (which, to me, is essential) and a lot of getting by. That's the one thing I'm workin on. Getting by. I'm ready to grasp, throttle, and see the sights, because whether or not you can accept it, adapt to it, or understand it, you definitely need to get used to it. I have a good feeling about a lot of things, I feel like I'm getting it straight. I feel like I'm practicing what I preach, don't feel obliged to say what I should say. It's just so simple, and the politics of getting from one day to another are really not necessary. I think that a lot of people make things harder than they really are, and I'm trying to stop that myself. I'm rambling because what I have to say of importance I don't feel like saying because I've an easy hand to read and a bad poker face and it's old news, headline and all- hook, line and sinker. But some of it isn't quite done yet, still brewing in the back room waiting to see the light of day, and I don't even know how that's going to turn out. All I know is I'm having fun, I'm losing grip on sticky senseless self-centered shit that needs to be gone, and it's sweet.

I don't give myself enough credit sometimes. Or other people. There are times where I don't understand why things happen. The art of argument and disagreeing is a lot more complicated than you think, and is deeply rooted in its own nature, and it's beautiful. I feel like I have brief moments of brilliance that go away faster than they came. And I can't do anything about it.

I say things because I haven't said enough lately, so I need to fill the void. Enjoy this entry, it's probably as comprehensible as a crossword puzzle, but hey, you won't be tested on any of this. I'm ready for a lot of things, I just don't let myself know it because I don't want to accept change. I had a lot of fun in the past that I wish I could go back to, but I can't. I don't want to start over in every stage of my life. I have a feeling that that's what life's going to be like, unless you can rely on certain things. And to be able to rely on something so certain is equally rare. We can sit here and trade excuses and reasons like baseball cards but it won't change a thing. Some of my intangibles are that I'm really good at running in circles, I make grand assumptions (sometimes based on the most meaningless of things, other times not), and I get scared for reasons you aren't aware of, and feel things in more than one way. And I'm not good at it.

At least I'm better off than most.

I've got this city in my back pocket

2007-01-19T06:25:56Z

I'm trying to keep up with everything, but this tiny little world is spinning so fast it's getting harder to think straight. It's a mix of trying to feel productive, trying to get what I want, and trying to not take things for granted anymore, and I'm fully expecting it to become a juggling act. It's just so difficult, because I feel like there's so much going on around, and then there's not. Maybe it's a matter of a lack of sleep, lack of privacy, or lack of spontaneity. I'm still trying to put my finger on it.

At least I'm telling myself I'm going to make some kind of change, consistently, instead of wanting to want to, now I really want to. I've come to the point now, that, consequences really don't matter anymore. It's about time I let it come loose, so that's going to be on my agenda. And it's in a number of things, I'm going to trust myself and see how things shape up. I'm just tired of staying inside and staring at a box all day. It's becoming all to custom and this routine is already old. I feel like I have all of the flaws figured out, now it's just a matter of fixing them properly. I just don't want this school year to go by as fast as it has, because I know that when spring quarter hits, then this will stop. We won't notice the leaves disappearing on the ground, or the grass getting greener.

I've had an interesting past week.... well, weekend at least. It was plenty fun, the whole thing, Friday till Monday. I met new people, made some breakthroughs, and made promises to myself that I actually followed through on. I'm grasping certain ideas better and gaining a better perspective, one that garnered a small layer of dust which was swept away at the beginning of the year, and I'm starting to remember how valuable this is. I will roll out of here one day, and you can bet it'll be on my own terms. You've not heard the last of this.